The most viewed thread in the Bluelight Shrine begins with two pictures of the same smiling girl. Under the picture are the dates of her birth and death (“9-27-74 to 9-29-05″). Kristen Marie was 31 when she died. The thread’s author, chaos23, then wrote 13 more names. These were the pictures and names of the people he’s lost to drugs.
“I may be leaving a few out,” he wrote. “I had so many students who died. This is just a thread based on those loved and lost. I believe the constant reminder of death may help others to either stop, or be more careful. My heart goes out to all of your losses. (I lost most of my pics, and those were the only ones I had on my computer)”
The Bluelight Shrine is “a memorial to Bluelighters who have passed away.” Bluelight.ru is one of the oldest and biggest drug discussion forums on the web. It has a history stretching back into the 1990s. The shrine itself is younger and incomplete. Even so, it serves as a memorial to hundreds of people — friends, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, names on glowing screens — who have died drug-related deaths. The names and pictures of the dead come paired with messages from the living who knew them.
Beneath a photo saved as amberbeautiful.jpg, wingnutlives posted this:
Amber P. - 19 – died in July 2007 from heroin overdose
I miss her so much…..
The Frog posted his own list of lost:
B.J. T.–heroin addict, shot himself
Scott J.–heroin addict, shot himself
Jason B.–heroin overdose
Michael E.–heroin overdose
Paul E.–hung himself
Jimmy B.–speedball overdose
Matt C.–hung himself depressed about meth addiction
David A.–”Lost” in Everglades in South Florida
Rory C.–heroin/benzo/alcohol intoxication
Josh C.–asphyxia/morphine overdose
Matt S.–IV cocaine overdose
Gwen R.–heroin overdose
Mary H.–drunk driving/car accident
Diana C.–murdered/bad drug deal
Zack D.–car accident/oxycodone and cocaine
You guys haven’t been forgotten–those of us still here, we talk about you often…forever in our hearts…we love you and we miss you….see you when we get there……..
Smiling teenagers and twentysomething make up the lion’s share of the dead at the shrine.
“This is such a sad thread,” wrote the_ketaman, “its definitely made me have a good hard think. Usually im worrying about other drug related things apart from death. I really get the feeling that its time to move on from drugs. It does make me smile a little that most of the photo’s people have put up are happy photo’s, people are smiling and dont look all drugged up. Its great that we are able to remember them this way.”
Moving on is easier said than done: the_ketaman has been in and out of rehab and has written about at least three nonfatal Xanax and heroin-related overdoses on Bluelight in 2013.
i wish i had pictures but im a technophobe
RIP kate m. - heroin OD (19 yo at the time)
taylor n. w. (my first bf) – heroin OD (19 yo at the time)
christopher s. - heroin OD (20 yo at the time)
crystal s. - meth lab explosion (24 yo at the time)
Anastasia – Heroin
Sean – Heroin
My Inner Child – Heroin
Several members of the community were obviously shaken by the growing thread — only one of many in the shrine.
“Jesus,” wrote user Tioski. “I’ve stared death in the eyes several times during drug experiences only over the past 3 years as a result of my detrimental albeit common attitude towards drugs - go big or go home. And somehow, I still don’t know if I’ve learned my lesson, having the most recent one of those experiences only last night with 15 pills in one sitting (pure and large dose). I’m the kind of guy who’d get the “Most Likely To Overdose” award in the high-school yearbook. So with that said, this thread really gives my head a shake, presenting the very real risks I take when choosing to dance with the devil.”
Tioski stopped logging into Bluelight four months after he made that post.
More deaths by suicide were listed. Chaos23, the thread starter who had already listed 14 drug-related deaths of people he’d been close to, listed one more.
I don’t have a picture, but one of my best friends killed himself yesterday… He slit his wrists in the bathtub. His girlfriend found him.
I know it is not an overdose, but he was struggling with drug and alcohol problems for years and I can’t deny the correlation between the drugs and his suicide…
I have lost so many fucking friends. It makes me sick.
RIP Ryan Blevins… and fuck you for killing yourself. selfish….
“I hate to say this to someone who just lost a good friend, but you’re obviously the selfish one for thinking he’s selfish,” responded bow-viper1. “People who kill themselves are not selfish. Life isn’t meant to be lived for others.”
Chaos allowed that his feelings were colored by his anger.
“yeah. you are entitled to your beliefs…,” he wrote. “life involves a lot of suffering, and in the instance of most suicides, those left behind feel angry and pissed. It is all part of the normal grieving process. I am just upset, and his whole family and girlfriend are just completely devastated. i stick by my conviction that his act was wholly selfish. This interpretation is open to change as time passes and my anger wears off and turns into sadness and grief…”
“Suicide is never easy to understand,” wrote user drugfukkdrockstar. “My Uncle Kierran committed suicide due to his drug, alcohol and gambling problem about 4 years ago. He gassed himself in his car, parked outside the primary school he attended when he was a boy. He was completely wacked out on sleeping tablets and alcohol, and apparently smoked 4 packets of cigarettes through out his lead up to his moment of death. He drugged himself to make sure he couldn’t back out of it because he tried to kill himself a time before but backed out due to fear and managed to only just survive. He left his wife with all of his debts. So selfish also came to our minds at first unfortunately as well. It’s after you get over the initial shock that you learn that they were battling mental illness.”
More pictures were posted. User EveryStar wrote:
Holy shit, this thread makes me scared as fuck. Never have I been so scared to face my own mortality. I don’t want to find my picture in here one day.
The morbid debate over suicide continued. A sick person’s desire to die was measured and weighed against the devastation it caused loved ones. The scales broke down under the weight, nothing was decided. The shrine continued to grow.